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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26731744">i gave away my heart (all i have left is blood)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/g_xlatea/pseuds/g_xlatea'>g_xlatea</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>DCU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Study, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Self-Blaming Dick Grayson, of a sort</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 09:40:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>712</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26731744</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/g_xlatea/pseuds/g_xlatea</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
<i>"You've been to the altar more than most of us, honey."</i>
</p><p><br/>Or<br/>Dick's experiences with marriage</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i gave away my heart (all i have left is blood)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>i.</p><p>Mary and John Grayson love each other entirely. Dick looks at them and, though he doesn't quite get romantic love at this point, he wishes someday to have this. He looks at them and he hopes. He can't wait to get older and find someone who loves him the way mamma and papa love each and marry that person. Marriage is something that seems bright and happy.</p><p>ii.</p><p>He needs a foothold. Joey's dead; he couldn't save him and now he's gone and it's his fault. Mirage tricked him and he should have known shouldn't he and he loves Kory but he needs to prove it. So he asks her to marry him, and yeah he can tell he isn't quite thinking straight but he doesn't know what else he can do.</p><p>And she says yes and maybe it'll be alright. Because marriage is proof of love and he remembers his parents and their love and thinks, maybe, just maybe, he will be allowed that happiness.</p><p>Except the priest explodes and him and Kory separate. They love each other but it's all too much and he's drifting and it's all falling apart but it's fine, he'll be fine. He has to be.</p><p>iii.</p><p>He's marrying his work. He is. Marrying. His work. What the hell?</p><p>The marriage goes without a hitch and his friends are there and it's all wrong. Donna tells him it's not like him and it's not, but there's a killer on the lose and besides, considering the last time he was at the altar, is he still allowed to think of marriage as sacred?</p><p>Emily isn't the killer and she's sweet but she knows this was a sham. And she deserved better (maybe he did too) so they end the marriage that wasn't a marriage and he convinces himself that he hasn't lost something.</p><p>iv.</p><p>Blockbuster's dead. A man is dead and it's his fault. His apartment building is gone. The circus burnt. He can still hear the gunshot. Still smell burning flesh.</p><p>Catalina's there and she's asking him to drink and he doesn't drink but... But what? He failed Bruce, he failed everyone. He doesn't have anyone else. He failed Catalina too, but she's there and she's what he deserves, isn't she? So she makes him drink and takes him places and when the marriage certificate is placed in front of him, he doesn't want to. It's not a good idea. But she's encouraging him and he should follow along right? And then the phone rings, it's Bruce. His family needs him and suddenly Dick's seeing clearly again for the first time.</p><p>(Later, after he slows down, when he finally has time to process everything, he throws up remembering this. He almost married her. Not even a fake marriage like with Emily. And it's the thought of marriage that's starting to make him sick, but he doesn't want to think about it.)</p><p>v.</p><p>He proposes to Barbara before going off to save the world. And he knows his reasoning isn't quite sound, but it's sounder than it had been before so it's fine. He loves her and he wants her to know and she does. She says yes and he allows himself to hope. Allows himself to think that he can have a future and a family, that he can have love.</p><p>Then he comes back having failed to die and she gives him back his ring. It's not a rejection but he is still afraid. Him and Kory loved each other even when they didn't get married, but their relationship still ended. Who is to say it won't happen again?</p><p>(It does happen again. They can't pick it up again not because they don't care but because there is so much baggage, so much history. And it hurts just as much as it did last time.)</p><p>vi.</p><p>Dick thinks now that he can't stand the idea of marriage. He remembers his parents still when he thinks of it, but he doesn't hope any longer. It feels like there's a curse on him. Maybe once he could have had that kind of happiness. But that possibility ended when the ropes snapped; he was just deluding himself till now. He doesn't deserve that kind of love anymore.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The quote is from Titans (1999) #15. It's what got me thinking about Dick and marriage. Donna's right that Dick's been married/almost married a lot. Considering the circumstances surrounding most of these instances and plus, the general effect of two failed marriages/proposals being tied together in his mind with the end of his long-term relationships, it makes sense to me that it would have an effect on his views on the subject.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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